I have taken your Delusional Man-Child Has Most Incredible List of Dating Requirements and replaced it with a Delusional Scientist Has Most Incredible List of Collaboration Requirements.
I am looking for a decent colleague that wants to be in a long term research collaboration with me.
I want the colleague to be smart.
I like colleagues that are brainy, or with a fast-thinking or nimble mind. A average brain is fine too, just as long as you are not over witless. I will not experiment with a overwitless or fatuous colleague.
I like colleagues that are 130 IQ points or slightly less. Of course wit needs to be in proportion to their humor, as long as they aren’t considred overwitless, they should be fine.
Being overwitless is a total dealbreaker with me.
I also like colleagues with long handwriting. I like a colleague to look like a colleague, not a manual, I like a fastidious, precise colleague. I like handwriting down to the footer at least. Sometimes I can make exceptions if it is shorter depending on how it looks on the page. But for the most part, I love long handwriting.
Redshirts are my favorite, next is Browncoats, and next is Batmaniacs, in that order. I like all 3, but I’m just saying if I had to choose, that’s my order of preference.
I will not work with a Biology colleague. I don’t care if they’re skilled like David Baltimore, I will not ever work with a Biology colleague.
However, I will work any other discipline, Chemist, Biochemist, Physicist, Mathematician, Computer Scientist, whatever, anything except Biology.
I do not like glasses on a colleague. Although, it’s not a dealbreaker, as long as they can wear contacts at least most of the time.
I do not ever want to have undergraduate researchers, so if a colleague is wanting to have undergraduate researchers, I am not her/his collaborator.
I will not work with a colleague that does not have a NIH or NSF career development grant.
I am not looking for any type of colleague that is materialistic or a gold digger or expects a collaborator to pay for everything.
I do not like tattoos on a colleague. If a colleague already has tattoos, it may not be a deal breaker unless they plans to get more in the future. If a colleague has something small and feminine like a butterfly or rose already on their ankle or something then it may not necessacerily be a dealbreaker. And it would also help if they would consider having them laser removed, something I might would even pay grant money to have done for them.
To me, tattoos just represent white trash or somone that’s been in prison. I do not care for following trends like mindless sheep and getting tats just because what ever Star on TV got them, they will always be a symbol of White Trash. The Colleague human body is the most beautiful work of science Evolution ever created, to tattoo it with ink is the same as vandalising a famous Monet painting with a can of spray paint!
I also do not like piercings on a colleague. I do not like a colleague to have anything pireced other than their Ears. If they has other piercings it’s not a dealbreaker as long as they removes them and never wears them again.
I do not like gamblers. I will not be in any relationship with a colleague that gambles or wastes money on such things.
I do not like technicians! I will not work with any colleague that has ever been a technician. I believe that the only person that should ever see a colleague’s lab technique is only their PI or collaborator.
I will not work with any colleague that has ever had a dual appointment, or a large number of past research partners. I do not want a promiscuous scientist, I want a normal, decent, good hearted colleague.
I will not work with any colleague that can not always be honest & faithful to me. This is very important.
I prefer a colleague that does not smoke, but as long as she/he does not smoke in my house or around me, if she/he can go outside and smoke, then I can live with that. I worked with my ex colleague for Eleven years, and she was a smoker.
I will not work with any colleague if she is still collaborating with any colleagues that she/he has been partnered with in the past, I believe once a collaboration with someone is over, it’s OVER.
I will not work with a selfish colleague. I do not like selfish colleagues at all.
I do not like sarcastic or cynical people, I do not like people that always think negatively either, so that type of colleague would also not be a good match for me.
I know sometimes on my website here, I may seem like a negative person because I point out sooooo many things that I dislike, but I assure you I am a very positive person, I am just tring to put out here my likes/dislikes so you can know more about me and what type of colleague may get along with me.
I do not expect a colleague to agree with all of my beliefs or opinions etc, but I do not like to argue, and it’s very important that we can work in peace together if at some point the colleague & I share lab space. I like to work in a quiet & peaceful environment. That is extremely important to me.
I like a colleague that dresses on the conservative side. Not like a senator, and not anything weird. Just normal is fine. T-Shirt & Jeans are OK. But a colleague in a lab coat really gets my heart racing! I also love it when a colleague wears a Tyvex with boots, not cowboy boots, but disposable booties. Or field work boots, I love spiked field work boots!
I like a colleague that takes care of themself and keeps themself clean of course.
I love it when a colleague wears business casual in the boardroom! Especially polo shirts!
I need a colleague that can be very wealthy & academic and loquacious.
It’s also nice if the colleague has a big R01 and appreciates simples things, and understands the value of small indirect costs etc.
I like a colleague that appreciates romance and the art of grant writing.
Data analysis is one of my most favorite things to do with a colleague, it’s very important. I also love to hold a colleagues hand when I am walking with she/he. And I love working beside a colleague and keeping them close to me, and sharing an office with she/he. In fact THAT is the reason I named this website “Sleepless In Science” because I haven’t had a single good nights sleep in years, ever since my collaboration ended with my ex-colleague.
And yes, I also liked the movie Sleepless in Seattle, haha
It dosen’t matter at all to me how big or small a colleague’s instruments are. I prefer them to be reasonably new & solely owned though. I am against university centralized instrumentation facilities, I see them as unnecessery self-imposed budget constraint, and I would not want a colleague that depends on shared instruments.
I prefer a colleague that has never had undergraduate researchers, because having undergraduate researchers does ruin a colleague’s body of work often times. They end up with lower IF publications. And also sometimes it makes their lab looser, and I don’t care how many training exercises a colleague does, after she has 2 or 3 eighteen to twenty-two year undergraduate researchers, you can’t tell me it’s going to be 100% as tight as it ever was! Plus, what’s even worse than all of that, is sometimes during undergraduate researcher training the lab coat of a colleague get torn and they never look the same as the did originally even after they patch it, that’s why some colleagues even get expert tailoring to their lab coats after undergraduate researcher training to try and regain their original lab appearance.
Now I’m not saying having had a undergraduate researcher or two is a for sure dealbreaker for me, but it’s a case by case basis, and I prefer a colleague that’s never had undergraduate researchers if possible. My ex-colleague that I was with for Eleven years never had undergraduate researchers, she couldn’t because of an appointment at a non-baccalaureate granting institution.
I like to get a lot of attention in a collaboration, and I like to give it as well.
I also have a very high research drive.
Tina Fey gif from here. You’re welcome gif from here.