NBA player Jason Collins came out yesterday as gay. BUT! He didn’t come out juuuussssst right, as detailed by J. Bryan Lowder in Slate using over 700 words. Why so many words? Isn’t there a shorter way we can be all judgey? YES! When you absolutely must rate a come out, simply use @Huler‘s GAYCON*!
*Yes, this is fucking ridiculous. The whole damn thing is fucking ridiculous.
We all know the downside of actually listening to lyrics of a catchy pop tune. That’s right, you’ll realize the lyrics are wack, the song is ruined, and now you’re likely pissed-off at whoever wrote and/or sang it.
Case in point, Miquel’s ‘How Many Drinks’. Let’s examine the lyrics, shall we?
Frustration, watching you dance
Invitation, to get in them pants
Come closer baby, so I can touch
One question, am I movin’ too fast?Cause I ain’t leavin alone, feel like I could be honest, babe!
We both know that we’re grown
That’s why I wanna know
How many drinks would it take you to leave with me?
Here’s what I’ve gleaned from the song thus far… Miquel has identified a person he’s sexually attracted to. He’d like to take this person home for the purposes of sex, but he’s not sure said person will agree to his plan in their current sober state. As such, he’s asking said person to ballpark how much alcohol they’ll need to consume to agree to his plan. Hmmm… that sounds damn shady. Perhaps I’ve made a mistake?
Yeah, you look good and I got money
But I don’t wanna waste my time
Back of my mind I’m hopin’ you say two or three
You look good, we came to party
But I don’t wanna waste my timeTemptation, is calling your name
Sweet persuasion, baby this is a game
Come closer, baby, if you like what you hear
Impression, is what I’m makin you feelCause I ain’t leavin alone, feel like I could be honest, babe!
We both know that we’re grown
That’s why I wanna know
How many drinks would it take you to leave with me?
Yeah, you look good and I got money
But I don’t wanna waste my time
Back of my mind I’m hopin you say two or three
You look good, we came to party
But I don’t wanna waste my time (waste my time)
No… no… seems I was correct. Miquel realizes his plan hinges on plying the person he’s attracted to with booze. Miquel is hoping that it will only take 2 or 3 drinks – not because he’s cheap or poor, mind you! Oh no, he’s “…got plenty of money”. Miquel is hoping ‘seal the deal’ in the time it takes said person to ingest 2-3 cocktails, because Miquel is a busy man who doesn’t want his time wasted. Miquel “…ain’t leaving here alone…”. So, if the first person he tries to get liquored-up is a no-go, he’ll need to move on to - presumably - person #2. Plan B, if you will.
Now, whatever you think of Miquel at this point, Miquel would like you to know he’s open-minded.
No, no, no
I ain’t judgin
If you do decide that you might be fuckin’ tonight, what?
More power to you if you do decide that you might be fuckin’ tonight
You see, if said person does decide to engage in sex with Miquel, he won’t think that person is a whore. How nice.
This next part of the song is a bit…. well… there’s a odd paleontology reference, he likes your ass (bonus?), appreciates your workout regime, and seems to wish he had a set of breasts like yours?
Le-le-let me dig that out like a fossil
Damn baby that ass is colossal
Pilates a mill did that body so good
You’ve gotten a pair I wish I could
…and then we’re back to the whole how-much-alcohol-will-it-take-for-you-to-have-sex-with-me thing…
How many drinks would it take you to leave with me?
You look good and we came to party but I don’t wanna waste my time.
Back of my mind I’m hopin you say two or three
Agree? Indeed
You look good and we came to party but don’t wanna waste my time,
Or waste your time, or waste your time, or waste our time
Baby it’s alright, baby it’s alright, baby it’s alright
Oh it’s alright now, alright, oh yeah
I don’t wanna waste my time
I don’t wanna waste no time
I don’t wanna waste your time
I don’t wanna waste our time,
Or my timeHow many drinks would it take you to leave with me?
Yeah, you look good and I got money
But I don’t wanna waste my time
Back of my mind I’m hopin you say two or three
You look good, we came to party
But I don’t wanna waste my time (waste my time)
…but remember, Miquel’s not judgey…
No, no, no
I ain’t judgin
If you do decide that you might be fuckin’ tonight, what?
More power to you if you do decide that my might be fuckin’ tonight
I ain’t judgin
If you do decide that you might be fuckin’ tonight, what?
More power to you if you do decide that my might be fuckin’ tonightLet’s go, shit
You only live once right?
I mean, where’s the fun in forever anyway?
What the fuck am I listening to?!
By now, you’ve likely read about the whole Woman in Tech Tweets About Sexist Dudes in Tech. Dude Gets Fired. Internet Meltdown Ensues. thing involving Adria Richards and two brogrammers at PyCon. Just in case you haven’t, here is run-down from Gayle L. McDowell:
At PyCon, a python developers conference which purports to have a relatively large percentage of women (only 20% still), two guys made some jokes to each other laced with sexual innuendos (something about the word “dongle”). Adria Richards, a Developer Evangelist, was bothered by these comments and took some a picture of them. She then reported it via Twitter (with their picture) and asked PyCon staff to speak to the men, which they did. Then, she followed up with a blog post. As a result, one of the two men was fired. The internet got mad and then Adria was fired.
The “as a result…” bit from McDowell makes it seem as if Richards’ actions lead directly to a firing. Humph. Maybe it’s more like Amanda Blum states:
She didn’t get the developer in question fired… Play Haven did that and there are probably details of that transaction we aren’t privy to. It is a tragedy, but one that isn’t her fault.
Notice that Blum wrote “…but one that isn’t her fault”. Well, you know what that means. Something else is Richards fault. Here is Blum detailing what is Richards fault in this whole PyCon thing:
She committed one single offense: not approaching the men like an adult and saying “hey. guys- cmon, that’s offensive to me.”. On her own blog, she states “it only takes three words: ‘That’s not cool‘”, which I agree with. She should have said them to the developers in question. If she was that uncomfortable doing so in a full room, she could have contacted PyCon officials privately, there were certainly channels to do so.
Let me get this straight. Two people, in the fairly public forum of a professional conference, make unprofessional comments and those within earshot shouldn’t call them out in public, because, you know, it’s embarrassing to be called-out in public for making unprofessional and/or offensive remarks?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?
We’re supposed to afford people who engage in unprofessional conduct at a professional meeting a higher level of respect than they afford those with earshot of their asinine conversation? Why is that exactly? Golly gee, is it because they just couldn’t have known they were being offensive?
Get. Fucking. Real.
They knew exactly what they saying was inappropriate for the setting and they did it anyway because they felt totally free to do so. It’s called ‘privilege‘.
You want the privilege of “censure in private” without the muss-and-fuss of earning that privilege. You want us ‘sensitive’ folks to grow thicker skin and treat you like a delicate flower. Well, I want a unicorn and a lightsaber. Guess what? We’re both going to be disappointed.
If you act like an asshole in public, expect to be called-out in public. I do, I have, and I am confident I will in the future. Likely because I don’t have the privilege of being free to say or do whatever the hell I want without any unpleasantness. Neither do you.
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image from http://bit.ly/103uNeC
The Colt M4 Carbine
Since the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, some politicians and pundits have suggested – as a solution to our mass shooting problem – that we arm teachers.
I teach.
If US Representative Louie Gohmert (R-TX) thinks I’m going to strap on M-4 to teach chemistry to college students, he’s lost his damn mind.
If South Dakota State Representative Betty Olson (R-Prairie City) thinks a law allowing “…teachers, administrators and even janitors to bring guns to school…” will help, she’s out of her damn mind.
Politician, pundit, or anybody else whose best solution includes arming school faculty and staff has LOST THEIR DAMN MINDS.
Arming teachers?! Who do you think we are? Highly trained mercenaries that do a bit of teaching in our down time? This ain’t The Substitute. Stop watching ’90s movies and get real.
I’ve often wished I was an ex-Special Forces operative with hand-to-hand combat skills and the martial arts prowess of a ninja. Alas, I am but a chemist. While I can blow student’s minds with awesome chemistry, I am not trained to – and perhaps not capable of – blowing away some would-be spree killer.
You know who is trained to deal with spree killers? Law enforcement. Like I’ve trained to be a chemist, they’ve trained to deal with violent people. They’re trained to talk somebody down or, if need be, take somebody out. I can’t do their job. I do not have the training, experience, or desire to do law enforcement’s job. I’m confident law enforcement feels the same way about my job.
Think I don’t care about my student’s safety? Think again.
I’m often the first person to teach these students the basics of laboratory safety and I take that job very seriously. My students receive basic safety training at the start of the term, with specialized safety training as part of each and every lecture/lab for entire term. I teach chemistry. Teaching students how to do chemistry safely is my job.
What about non-chemical safety? For each classroom I’m assigned, I know both how to safely evacuate the room and how to quickly bar access. I know the who our campus security officers are and roughly how often they do patrols in my building. I know where the nearest police station, fire house, and hospital is. I know when to call for help and will not hesitate to make the call.
Get help. That’s what you do when you’re faced with a situation beyond you’re education, training, and experience. You bring in the right people to come up with the best solution.
That is what we need to do with our mass shooting problem.
Gohmert, Olson, and their cohorts aren’t the right people and arming teachers isn’t the best solution.
GAITHERSBURG, MARYLAND – With corporal punishment under fire, school districts have been searching for new ways to keep students on-track. Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS) thinks it’s found the perfect replacement for spanking – chemistry.
“It was actually suggested by one of our parents during a town hall meeting,” admitted MCPS Executive Director, Dr. Miles Togo. ”It was a popular idea with the town hall crowd,” said Togo, though he concedes scientists took issue with the chemistry-as-punishment proposal. David Bernstein, the parent behind the proposal, dismisses the concerns of scientists.
“We’re not saying all science is a punishment,” stressed Bernstein, a nonprofit executive. ”Biology has cute animals, physics does all that cool space stuff, math teaches us to count money,” says Bernstein. ”What’s chemistry got? Nothing but misery!” said Bernstein.
Recalling his own experience with chemistry, Bernstein, admits he can’t remember any chemistry. ”All I remember is how much I hated that class.” Other parents and certain MCPS school board members shared similar feelings.
“My son hated chemistry,” said school board member Nowai Reale. ”It made him miserable and he made us miserable.” Though Reale saw chemistry’s potential as a punishment, she was torn over the chemistry-as-punishment proposal put before the board earlier this month. Reale’s daughter was the cause of her indecision. ”She’s an intellectual property lawyer and very science-minded,” said Reale. ”She enjoyed all of her science classes.” In the end, Reale was swayed by Bernstein.
“We can’t be focused on the kids that like science,” says Bernstein. ”We have to think about what normal kids will hate.” Bernstein says his research shows that the average kid hates chemistry. ”I was a pretty average kid and I hated chemistry,” explained Bernstein.
MCPS voted 5-4 in favor of using a semester of chemistry as punishment. Togo detailed how the punishment scheme will work. ”For every rule infraction, a student must take a chemistry course,” says Togo. ”MCPS is confident all this chemistry will have the desired effect.”
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DISCLAIMER: This is totally fake. MCPS likely offers chemistry to enrich their student’s education and improve their student’s science literacy. David Bernstein is a totally real person who asked “Why are you forcing my son to take chemistry?“
CIRCLE NINE, HELL — Rep. Paul Broun (R-GA) set off a firestorm on Friday by claiming “…evolution and embryology and the Big Bang Theory, all that is lies straight from the pit of Hell…”.
Scientists and science-minded people, who were quick to refute Broun’s claim, received unexpected confirmation today that hell is not the source of science.
“Science was not created in, nor ever a resident of, any of our Nine Circles or the Island of Purgatory,” says Satan.
In a surprising move, Satan revealed “…the focus of my organization is to tempt people into leading a wretched life.” Satan went on to explain that science often has the opposite effect. ”All that rational thinking really undercuts our efforts.”
When asked exactly what temptations he and his minions use, Satan was quick to answer. “We usually go with wrath, greed, sloth, pride, lust, envy, and gluttony,” continuing, “Honestly, science doesn’t crack the top 25.”
When asked why Broun would claim Hell is the source of science, Satan was less talkative. ”All I’ll say is we’ve been known to use lies and fear to manipulate people.”
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Image of pit of hell from Blue Field State College Of course this is fake. As if Satan would speak to JAYFK when 60 Minutes or the Today Show are available.
When you dress-up in costumes, do you go all out? Careful about the details? Super authentic? If your costume is a police uniform, don’t do what Percy Coleman did.
Coleman kitted himself out in his boys-in-blue best, complete with handgun. Seriously. A handgun. Coleman, through his previous job as a parole officer for the Illinois Department of Corrections, had an Illinois Parole Agent Concealed Carry Weapons Permit. Guessing on what happened to Coleman, it’s likely the Illinois Parole Agent Concealed Carry Weapons Permit does not contain a cosplay clause.
Once he was all dolled-up in his cop finery, Coleman heading to the cafe he owned for a comedy night. Later that night, real police officers showed up at Coleman’s cafe to shut it down for failure to have a business license. Cue the comedy of errors. Cue a lawsuit from Coleman.
Coleman says he identified himself as the owner of the business and told his son to retrieve the cafe’s business license.
…Defendant Officer Koseluh asked if Coleman was a police officer.
Coleman responded that he was a peace officer.
Defendant Officer Koseluh asked why Coleman was impersonating a police officer.
Coleman responded that he was a participant in the comedy show. [source]
What happened next depends on who you ask (fake cop or the real ones), but the cosplay cop was disarmed, then arrested for impersonating a police officer and for wearing body armor.
If you’re considering cop cosplay, don’t go for authenticity. Go absurd. Go Lt. Dangle.
Go Dangle and no real police officer would ever suspect you of impersonating the real thing. The real thing couldn’t get clearance to wear those non-regulation shoes.
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@DrRubidium Editor-in-Commandant3
Top image from Party Fiesta Officer Dangle image from Comedy Central
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@DrRubidium Editor-in-Commandant3
Editorial Materials & MethodsmThis flowchart is the result of the author hypothesizing on how one decides to issue a non-apology.
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Sh*t on fan image from kitschykismet Sad puppy image from Best SMS Smug guy image from The Telegraph
LeAndra Lewis made her living, in the immortal words of Ludacris, shaking her money maker at several clubs in the Carolinas. Lewis was working on the Boom Boom Room Studio 54 stage when the normal rain of Benjamins turned into a hail of gunfire. A gun fight had erupted, catching Lewis in the crossfire with the dancer taking a shot in the abdomen.
Lewis’ injuries were serious, leading to the removal of a kidney and impacting her ability to have children. According to Lewis, scars resulting from the shooting “…has made her unemployable as an exotic dancer.”
Being injured on the job and no longer able to do that job, Lewis filed a workers’ compensation claim in South Carolina – home of the Boom Boom Room Studio 54. The workers’ compensation commission had one BIG problem with Lewis’ claim – Lewis did not work for the Boom Boom Room Studio 54.
Oh, Lewis worked the pole at the Boom Boom Room Studio 54, but she wasn’t an actual employee of this particular club. How can you work it without working? Here’s how:
Lewis presented several fellow exotic dancers as witnesses to explain that dancers often choose a city and a club to dance in on a particular night and travel there uninvited and unannounced. In keeping with this practice, Lewis showed up at the Boom Boom Room on this particular night, showed her identification to prove she was at least eighteen years old, and paid the required “tip-out” fee in cash to the club. She did not fill out an employment application and did not sign an employment agreement. The club gave her a “rules sheet,” she went to the dressing room to put on her outfit, and she danced. [source]
This type of work arrangement didn’t pass the Wilkinson test, which the South Carolina Court of Appeals used to decide employment status. Lewis’ control of her work – showing up when she wants, paying clubs to work, bringing her own equipment, collecting money straight from the customers, leaving whenever she wants – meant she failed the Wilkinson test and was not an employee.
As Lewis isn’t an employee, she’s not eligible for workers’ compensation. The court was silent on Lewis’ eligibility for other typess of legal compensation.
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@DrRubidium Editor-in-Commandant e e Image from The Week
