Chemistry to replace corporal punishment, says school district

GAITHERSBURG, MARYLAND – With corporal punishment under fire, school districts have been searching for new ways to keep students on-track.  Montgomery County Public Schools (MCPS) thinks it’s found the perfect replacement for spanking – chemistry.

“It was actually suggested by one of our parents during a town hall meeting,” admitted MCPS Executive Director, Dr. Miles Togo.  ”It was a popular idea with the town hall crowd,” said Togo, though he concedes scientists took issue with the chemistry-as-punishment proposal.  David Bernstein, the parent behind the proposal, dismisses the concerns of scientists.

“We’re not saying all science is a punishment,” stressed Bernstein, a nonprofit executive.  ”Biology has cute animals, physics does all that cool space stuff, math teaches us to count money,” says Bernstein.  ”What’s chemistry got?  Nothing but misery!” said Bernstein.

Recalling his own experience with chemistry, Bernstein, admits he can’t remember any chemistry.  ”All I remember is how much I hated that class.”  Other parents and certain MCPS school board members shared similar feelings.

“My son hated chemistry,” said school board member Nowai Reale.  ”It made him miserable and he made us miserable.”  Though Reale saw chemistry’s potential as a punishment, she was torn over the chemistry-as-punishment proposal put before the board earlier this month.  Reale’s daughter was the cause of her indecision.  ”She’s an intellectual property lawyer and very science-minded,” said Reale.  ”She enjoyed all of her science classes.”   In the end, Reale was swayed by Bernstein.

“We can’t be focused on the kids that like science,” says Bernstein.  ”We have to think about what normal kids will hate.”  Bernstein says his research shows that the average kid hates chemistry.  ”I was a pretty average kid and I hated chemistry,” explained Bernstein.

MCPS voted 5-4 in favor of using a semester of chemistry as punishment.  Togo detailed how the punishment scheme will work.  ”For every rule infraction, a student must take a chemistry course,” says Togo.  ”MCPS is confident all this chemistry will have the desired effect.”

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DISCLAIMER: This is totally fake.  MCPS likely offers chemistry to enrich their student’s education and improve their student’s science literacy.  David Bernstein is a totally real person who asked “Why are you forcing my son to take chemistry?

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